FOR CATS WHO HAVE A HOUSE TO RUN
Do not allow closed doors in any room.
To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws.
Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have
ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and
think about several things. This is particularly important during very
cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to
be avoided at all costs.
II. CHAIRS AND RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get to a
chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental
rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing
up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the
human's bare foot.
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do
anything -- just sit and stare.
If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity
and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called
"helping", otherwise known as "hampering".
Following are the rules for "hampering":
a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook.
You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on
and then picked up and comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book,
unless you can lie across the book itself.
c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most
appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the
most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out
and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to
distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work.
Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what
the humans may tell you.
d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes
or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper!
First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly
from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll
around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability.
After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers
off the table, one at a time.
e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to
jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of
the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms,
in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will
help their co-ordination skills.
Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.