The Chazmobile

                CHARLIBARD'S WHEELS
Issue # 184 (The Chazmobile)
                January 14, 2001
I usually try to avoid sending out a Follies issue on the same day as a 
P.O.E.M.S. issue, but this one was just too much fun not to share quickly.
On his first day home from the hospital, Charlibard slipped up and let me
in on the fact that he has an electric riding cart for puttering around.
I just couldn't resist pickin' on him a little bit.
Date:   01/11/2001 7:48:52 PM Central Standard Time
From:   Bobbadger
Ol' Charlibard confessed to me he has a 'lectric cart...
"The Chazmobile," which helped inspire this ode.
No wonder that ol' scutter has such problems with his heart!
Those Brits drive on the wrong side of the road!
You'd think that all his neighbors would be more than some upset,
But they've become inured to all that jazz.
They rarely even wince when he fires up his booster jet.
They pay no heed.  "It's only Carterchaz."
He slaloms in and out of traffic gettin' where he'd go.
Has never had a wreck (or so he'd brag).
He guns his souped up motor as he ziz-zags to and fro.
Won't stop until they wave the checkered flag.
It's got bright racing decals.  Flames are painted down its side.
It's got rear spoilers, rolled and pleated seats.
And legions of patrolmen have all failed when they have tried
To take ol' "drag strip Charlie" off the streets.
It didn't take long for Bernie to chime in.
Date:   01/12/2001 8:26:48 AM Central Standard Time
From: (Bernard Gluck)
His helmet made of leather and he's wearing racing goggles
The peddle to the floor down there beneath
Lascivious leer upon his face as every girl he oggles
While flying bugs are caught between his teeth.
And Mike pokes a jab, too.
Date:   01/12/2001 9:49:10 AM Central Standard Time
From:   LPollsnoop
Was that old Carterchaz I saw drive up in his new wheels
at Chelsea's drive-in movie ?, naughty boy !
was chatting up this sexy bird all decked in spiked high heels
invited  her to ride in his new toy
that scooter's got contraptions like you never saw before
it can serve up snacks and mix some potent booze
and Chas installed some special options , paid a good bit more,
guaranteed to  keep his lady friends amused
they've put in a dispenser which he keeps full to the brim
with Viagra pills, the rapid acting sort
he pops a pill and pops his clutch , like Benny Hill he'll grin
while the ladies he disarms with well aged Port
What kind of pills were those?
Subj:    Razamachaz!
Date:   01/12/2001 7:19:27 PM Central Standard Time
From:   richval (Rich)
Chas phoned me, said he'd visit, said he'd want
To see the sights, revive a few lost cells
Waylaid in youth.  And then, that cormorant,
He asked if I had any oyster shells,
That sicko - always food on his Brit brain.
"What? Oyster shells?" I cried.  He whispered on,
"You know what I mean, Rich."  "Chas, you're insane!"
Was my reply (he is, you know).  "Now, son,"
He said, "I really need your famed Niagara.
The ladies here demand it." Then I knew
His real intent.  I answered, "Lord, it's true!
You fool!  You took 'Niagara' for 'Viagra'!"
But Rich isn't through yet.
Date:   01/13/2001 7:08:53 AM Central Standard Time
From: (Rich)
(Batman theme)
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
Look, out on the sidewalk!
"It's a passing snail!"
"It's a cheesy whale!"
"No, it's..........CHASMAN!"
Faster than a speeding maggot,
More powerful than a lawnmower,
Able to leap huge sand particles in a single bound,
It'''s...    CHASMAN!
Saturday, January 13, 2001
(to the tune of 'Those Magnificent Men in Their Flying Machines')
He rides down the lane without rudder or wing,
The magnificent Chas in his Chasmobile thing.
He never looks out for the people ahead;
Some say that ol' Chas thinks the thing is his bed.
No one really knows where the Chasman will go;
And neither does he - just thank God the thing's slow!
The mothers all shriek and pull tots to their side
When they see that ol' Chasman go out for a ride.
He drives through the market place, steers with his feet,
Colliding with every poor soul he should meet;
His goggles are fogged up, but he doesn't care;
He thinks he sees Christmas tree lights in the glare.
They call him the curse of the alleyways too,
He knocks over garbage bags, cats none too few.
They say that if you look inside when he passes,
You'll see Chasman writing out sonnets to lasses,
And love ballads, all sorts of sweet things to please
Those pillars of pulchritude he likes to tease.
From out its tail end he releases a verse
For each passing beauty who carries a purse.
So travellers bound for old England, beware,
When out on the trottoir, for Chasman is there!
And if you should be of the feminine kind,
Be ever so careful when Chasman's behind.
Did I hear what I thought I heard?  Bernie wonders, too.
Date:   01/13/2001 7:54:26 AM Central Standard Time
From:   bgluck (Bernard Gluck)
From Bernie
"Chasman's behind"? Is that what I heard?
An object of beauty? Now don't be absurd !
Securely it's wedged in the Chasmobile seat
A basket for groceries down by his feet.
But Rich isn't the only one with a penchant for old songs.
Date:   01/14/2001 9:40:27 AM Central Standard Time
From:   LPollsnoop
ride along with him Lucille
in his top down Chasmobile
tour the cobbled London Streets
drinking Sherry, eating sweets
he's installed a special seat
for those older dames he meets
guaranteed to bring a thrill
as he bounces up the hill
Mike Pollack
Metered Musings -
Larry has a question about some of that.
Date:   01/14/2001 9:50:49 AM Central Standard Time
From:   ltilander (Larry Tilander)
I do hope what you mean to say
Is vehicle's top's down
Not the Chaz's or Lucille's
That would make one frown
Especially if it was his
That would cause a flap
Causing people to get lost
Looking like a map
Scars like roads
And railways run
Nipple hill to neck
Running folks right off the road
In a giant wreck
And Charlibard defends himself (sort of).
Date:   01/13/2001 5:24:41 AM Central Standard Time
From:   Carterchaz
That Chasmobile.
Haring along on my Chasmobile,
Giving the bars a firm squeeze,
( The thing doesn't have any steering wheel )
My hair flowing back in the breeze.
Ignoring  pedestrians' snide talk,
Watching their faces turn pale,
As I burn up the length of the sidewalk
Racing a souped up snail.
I never cared what they thought as
I turned on each wattage of power,
Challenging every tortoise
At three and a half miles an hour.
After five weeks in hospital
Isn't it lovely to feel
The qood fresh air blowing into my face
At top speed on my Chasmobile ?
Jaine picks up on the Batman theme that Rich brought in earlier.
Date:   01/13/2001 12:21:34 PM Central Standard Time
From:   2toths (Jaine Toth)
Holy Car Crash, Batman!
It' Carterchaz, that wild ol' man
weaving down the street
as slow as he can
He tries to mow some poor kid down
and take out his mom, as well,
But he went so slow that they jumped free
And you shoulda heard ol' Carter yell
"I shouldn't miss - it's just unfair
I'll bet it's a conspiracy!
'Stead of a souped up motor
This thing run on 'lectricity
It slows me down, I need some speed
To bump in to my targets running free,
if I have to switch to hitting cars
that are parked, no fun will it be
When I was young I drove real fast
I raced along the jetty
I went so fast they called me
Another Mario Andretti
I'd not slow down until the end
and then slam on my brakes
Right at the end, 'fore falling off
Wow, I'd give the folks the shakes
They thought that I was gonna go
right off into the water
But I stopped short of that and
got out safe, just like I oughta."
So now you see, my cousins dear
that Carter's a menace on wheels
So please, please turn him down each time
For a faster mobile he deals.
jaine toth
And Bernie fantasizes how it must feel to ride along with Charlibard.
Date:   01/13/2001 12:30:17 PM Central Standard Time
From:   bgluck (Bernard Gluck)
How lovely I feel in my new Chasmobile
And just where to go, I don't know
To grocer, to butcher or my favorite pub
My wild oats to sow, so here I go!
My battery's charged and my pills I have took
Hey look at me girls, I have got a new look
I can give you a lift if it's thrills that you seek
You can sit on my lap while I'm kissing your cheek.
Another budding lyricist appears.
Subj:   If Rich and Bernie are in a sing song mood
Date:   01/13/2001 12:41:57 PM Central Standard Time
From:   TVaughanJones
I've seen Chas in his Chasmobile
He'd had a drink or two
He stormed ten miles per hour
Up Highway Sixty Two
He looked so very comfy
I thought we'd hire a coach
And pick up all our Rhyming Pals
Including Richie Roach
We'll drive around for hours
Then maybe find a bar
That's where we'll find our darling Diz
And sweet and sultry Sha.
We'll sit and sing those sweet old songs
And when our songs are through
We'll send our Charlie back again
Via Highway Sixty Two
Shelby pipes up.
Date:   01/13/2001 7:06:38 PM Central Standard Time
From:   sforrest (Shelby Forrest)
(Here I come jumping into the fray
I may be too late to have a say
It may be over, but let it stay
Although I am late, I still wanta play.)
Charlibard's ridin that old Chasmobile
King of the Mountain he now oughta feel
Free as the breeze, drivin in and out
Of those tricky, twisty round-a-bouts.
His trouble is, he can't move fast
And each time around, he just goes past
The open space, and though he would shout
Cars wouldn't move over; he couldn't get out
So then to his aid came friend Witchy-Poo
In her shiny policewoman's suit of blue.
She stopped the cars and made them wait
While the Chasmobile sailed through the gate.
"Poetry written in metric rhyme
Can bear the wear of eroding time"
Forest of Poetry Trees
And Jaine agrees that it's never too late.
Date:   01/13/2001 8:48:38 PM Central Standard Time
From:   2toths (Jaine Toth)
It's never too late to get involved
No fibstorm's ever completely solved.
Come on in, Shelby, and sling it to
Charlibard and Witchypoo.
I heard that the police chief is quite angry
Yes sir, I learned that she may be
put on suspension without pay
For goofing up traffic the other day.
Her heart was in the right place, I know,
She wanted to help dear Charlibard go,
But in doing that, there was great road rage
When the rest of the motors could not engage
For what must have seen like at least a year
No patience have motor drivers; they do not care
So they loudly complained at the Police Station
Till the chief came out saying "What in tarnation
Is going on out here in the lobby?"
""We want to hang your goody twoshoes Bobby!"
The chief knew that Jean had done the right thing
But for political reasons he's gonna bring
Jean down on the carpet to prove to them all
That their predicament does him appal.
So let's all stand by her in her time of doom
And tell her next time to loan Charlie her broom!
jaine toth
Whereupon Jean murmurs from her recovery room...
Date:   01/14/2001 5:33:29 AM Central Standard Time
From:   witchypoo1 (witchypoo1)
I'm here, but this has been a week
Of which I'd prefer not to speak
I've coughed and spluttered, been laid low
With streaming eyes, sore nose to blow
So when I read your 'challenge' letter
Seemed like the time to feel much better
Get involved- if I must be
It's time to correct history
No longer with 'the boys in blue'
I'm now a full time 'Witchypoo'
This Fox must tread with careful paw
No more a member of the law
But I have 'power' here at home
Invisible I often roam
Escorting Charlie on the road
To help when he's on 'overload'
His Chasmobile is fast indeed
He travels at amazing speed
Then when patrol cars all give chase
I drop a little fog in place
So then they are all forced to slow
I yell to Charlie, 'Go Cat, Go! '
Twice with speed he's left the ground
And flown through air without a sound
Gliding, swooping, full of glee
Ole Chas and his mobility
Caused a panic at Heathrow
The radar tracked as he flew low 
Called out the Army, Airforce too
"UFO's are here", they knew
No ordinary craft could fly
So small and low out in the sky
But that remains a mystery
I had to rescue him, you see
Now Charlibard is to be found
In Chasmobile, safe on the ground
And I hope, that's where he'll stay
I cannot watch him everyday
For when he drinks, he often sings
'This ale is great, it gives me wings!'
So if he drinks a crate or two
His Chasmobile might fly to you
I beg you all, be on your guard
And watch your skies for Charlibard!
A Thought, A Word, A Verse, A Rhyme,
All footprints In The Sands of Time
Mizz Dizz speaks...
Subj:   Chaz is the expert
Date:   01/13/2001 11:33:53 PM Central Standard Time
From:   dizzys (Diz)
I was sitting and thinking, rewriting some rhyme
In the Bar Texicana while Sha earned a dime
When out through the window I saw lined up there
A whole lot of chaz-mobiles, (wheels on a chair)
True, most had a rider who revved throttle bars
But two were quite empty: must be for us stars
I grabbed at Sha quickly and pointed to ours
She gasped when she noticed the miles per hours
"Come ON then, let's race on these fine chazmobiles!"
Said Tom, who had hotted his up with mag wheels
The Onion Patch gang soon spluttered and puttered
On down that road where a rhyme pennant fluttered
Their speed then increased and they couldn't catch Charles
Who ran rings around them with motorised snarls
Experience counts in all facets of life
And Chaz has the edge now, he's sharp as a knife
Diz, the Dangerous Driver
And vacationing Sha even found a way to play (using somebody else's
Date:   01/14/2001 7:24:10 AM Central Standard Time
From:   sekpet (Sharon K.)
Well, Sha's chair had wings and she started to fly
Up in the air, watched the clouds passing by
Landed in Perth, where she slid down a slide
Crashed on her butt, has a large bruise to hide
Now she must ride in a chair of her own
She's in so much pain, all she does is moan, groan
Aspirin and claret, she can't feel a thing
It's not having her 'puter that causes a sting!
Sha on holiday
Tom uses this opportunity to recruit another "Stormer".
Subj:   The Further Adventures of Charlie and the Chazmobile.
Date:   01/14/2001 8:03:18 AM Central Standard Time
From:   TVaughanJones
A tragedy for Charlie
The poor guy got a flat
He caught an empty bottle as
He left the automat
A Highway Cop waylaid him
As he was leaving town
But Charlie said he had to rush
His tyre was going down
The Cop was real suspicious.
"Last time, I let you pass!
You said you had to hurry,
you were running out of gas."
(This is for our American cousins, folks, 
so's they know what we're talking about. 
Besides, it rhymes better than petroleum)
Ol' Charlie smiled, a pleasant smile.
"Sir, let me please explain
I have to meet my buddies
To get on the road again
These guys all like to fibstorm
They're  chock full of hot air
Why, they could blow my tyre up
And still have some to spare.
The cop became quite friendly
He said" I've warned you twice
The third time, you're a loser
Which won't be very nice."
So Charlie put his car in gear
Regained his liberty.
Now somewhere there's a small time cop
Who reads our poetry.
We'll take all the readers we can find, Tom.  Thank you, thank you, 
thank you, Stormers, for a wonderful, lighthearted, tongue-in-cheek 
diatribe.  We'll do it again soon because there's more in the queue.