The Desert Fox

Note: Campfires along this path will lead back to camp where all the trails begin.

 

Lou:

A fruit desert, Bernie offers,
Now what on earth is that?
Cactus maybe? Kind of sticky.
And maybe it's non-fat?

Miss Poo:

The fruit desert Bern offers

So delicately put

He learned it from the Bedouins

It means- a coconut

 

It was some years ago now

When he was in the war

He got lost in the desert

His camel could go no more

 

Some traveling Bedouins found him

Gave hospitality

Filled him full of camel milk

And nutritious cactus tea

 

For years he wandered round with them

Became one of the tribe

Learned to horse- ride bareback

And with gun respond to jibe

 

He slept at night beneath the stars

Wrapped up inside his tent

His trusty camel by his side

That's how his days were spent

 

Bernie:

He tired of the camel soon

And longed for someone new

A caravan was passing by

He thought then what to do

 

They had for sale some female slaves

An English lass be bought

Her eyes were slinky like a fox

And tricks she could be taught

 

In bed she warmed his desert night

And made him veggie food

She tried composing poetry

But her attempts were crude.

Miss Poo:

It's true that in the desert

The choices, they are few

So Bernie like the male he is

Just did what he should do

 

So when that caravan passed by

He bought the English lass

He thought he'd cracked his problem but

Some strange things came to pass

 

He forced this slave to warm his bed

'Twas cold, the desert night

But when he tried to warm himself

He suffered quite a fright

 

Those merchant caravanners

Arabians, were bad

The English lass they sold to Bern

Turned out to be a lad

 

Of course the lad was willing

That's how he had been trained

But give ole Bernie credit

From this he sure refrained

 

The lad then sulked and in a rage

Said, 'You've no rhyme or meter

Stop trying to compose that stuff

For camel dung is sweeter'

 

Well, Bernie was dismayed alright

He really felt downhearted

He packed his things up in a bag

Took camel, and departed

 

He journeyed onward through the night

Then came to an oasis

With coconuts and figs galore

Bern thought "this is a basis

 

Requirement of all I need

Fresh water and good food"

So saying that, he settled down

And so lifted his mood 

 

Bernie:

Oasis life was lonely

No woman there for me

In time it was too boring

Just talking to a tree

 

A Sultan and his harem

Just happened to stop by

He said he had a discard

I might give her a try

 

So what the Hell, I'm desperate

A "ship in any storm"

I took the discard he called "Poo"

To keep my blanket warm.

 

Shelby:

The  oasis he found, ole Bernie thought,
his troubles might assuage.
But alas, the oasis proved to be
nothing but a mirage.

Ole Bern was getting restless, so
he thought he should move on.
He packed his tent and all his gear
and he was gone by dawn.

Ole Bernie liked to move around,
because he was a nomad.
To stay too long in any spot
would tend to make hm go mad.

He craved excitement, and he thought
He’d always find it soon.
“the sand was always brighter
on the other side of a dune.”

Riding on that camel made
his ancient butt get raw.
He looked out over the sea of sand
and what do you think he saw?

Poo:

Bern looked around the sea of sand
Just as the sun did rise
A Sultan and his Harem came
In view, to Bern's surprise

He made obeisance 'cos he feared
Maybe his head would fall
To his surprise a Eunuch came
Invited him to call

To take tea with the Sultan
While the Caravan did rest
The Sultan was a jolly bloke
Who loved to laugh and jest

Had been to school in England
Was Eton educated
To play a joke on Yankee boy
He now felt obligated

While Bern sipped tea and sat crosslegged
The Sultan waved his hand
Dancing girls appeared and swayed
To music from a band

That had appeared from nowhere
Of course Bern never knew
That Sultan was a bosom pal
Of sultry WitchyPoo

Then Bern said he was lonely
The Sultan shook his head
My friend I have a gift for you
To warm your lonely bed

Just then the curtains parted
And a female form appeared
Draped in veils from head to toe
She looked a little weird

The Sultan smiled and said to her
"My dear, now we must part
Here is your new master on
Whom you may ply your Art"

The female curtsied deep and low
Then whispered in his ear
"You are a wicked man my friend
We'll meet again next year"

Bernie thought his luck had changed
He gathered figs and water
Then took her to his tent to see
Exactly what he oughta

He plucked the first veil from her arm
Then much to his surprise
The veil went flying through the air
Then wrapped around his eyes

He tugged at it and pulled at it
He could not pull it off
He ranted and he raved at it
Then heard a discreet cough

"Oh Master I am ready
I'm here for your delight
All my veils have fallen
I have left them off this night"

At this Bern was excited
But still he could not see
He spread his arms and felt around
And groped a tall fig tree

And as he sat there moaning
All at once he knew
That Sultan played a joke on him
With his friend Witchy Poo...

Bernie:

A word about that eunuch

The sultan called him "Bubba"

He wore a Roman tunic

His job, official scrubber

 

When harem women bathed

He stood by like a dope

With scrub brush in one hand

The other held the soap

 

Bernie:

Then suddenly there was a sound

A sputtering and pop

A failing engine of a plane

It soon came to a stop

 

A weary pilot struggled out

While gasping for some air

Bern recognized the craft at once

Marine Corp type Corsair

 

A military plane out here ?

At once his mind it boggles

A leather helmet on his head

Complete with set of goggles

 

He said, "Ich spreche Englisch hier"

At first he thought he's German

But then he said,"I'm Shelby, pal,

So don't you call me Hermann !"

 

With not much there to fix that plane

They sat beneath the wing

Recalling how their anthem went

They both began to sing

 

Shelby:

They sang a couple of bawdy tunes,
then warbled Auld Lang Syne.
“Bernie, you’re singing is way off key,
but it might improve with wine.”

Now that’s what Shelby said to Bern
as he climbed up on the wing.
He reached behind the seat and said,
“Here’s something to help you sing.”

“Much more so than a Boy Scout,
a Marine goes well prepared.
“This wine’s the remedy for your voice-
unless it’s too impaired. “

“At least, if I consume enough,
(and I think that I shall do so),
your voice will soon begin to sound
just like that guy Caruso.”

 

Bernie:

After singing one more song

They talked of what to do

Old Shelby's plane was out of fuel

(with him that's nothing new)

 

They said that they must improvise

With what they found right there

They'd have to fabricate some fuel

To get back in the air.

 

They picked a lot of fallen dates

And squeezed out all the juice

And looked around to find a can

Which they could put to use

 

They let the juice ferment a lot

(from which they drank a bit)

And turned the rest to alcohol

That's what they did with it

 

The engine started up real fine

The plane was in the air

And pilot Shelby set the course

The weather, it was fair......................

 

Bernie:

An Arab-looking rider came

Upon a great white steed

A robber from Arabia ?

That's something they don't need !

 

"Could that be Lawrence come to help ?

Or does this man look foreign ?"

It wasn't Lawrence after all

It happened to be Warren.

 

Warren:

EL WARREN OF ARABIA is what the Arabs called him

They loved to see him prance and strut his stuff

He liked to play the hero but that war thing really galled him

He hoped that Rommel never called his bluff.

 

Bernie:

El Warren watched their plane lift off

But feared the "Desert Fox"

Still thinking it was Rommel he

Would hide among the rocks

 

But no one had informed the man

That this one was a "bird"

And that she was a witch to boot

It seems he hadn't heard.

 

Warren:

Behind those rocks el Warren watched

The plane move out of sight

And then his focus shifted to

a bird in graceful flight

 

It circled high above him while

he looked on dreamily

Its motion lulled him fast asleep

Or so he seemed to be

 

A rustling on a nearby rock

awoke him from his slumber

to see a gorgeous femme fatale

just sweeping up some umber.

 

Now where she came from who can say?

She sure could use that broom

He never did suspect that day

he may have met his doom.

 

Bernie:

"Just why ?" he asks, "...she's sweeping here

This barren desert land?"

It's going on for hours now

He doesn't understand.

 

He doesn't know she broke the law

And that would make him nervous

The sentence that the judge decreed

A week community service.

Shelby:

I had no sooner taken off
in my ancient blue Corsair,
when I heard a sputter, and I found
I had no engine there.

I figured it out then I recalled
Ole Bern had peed in the can.
Why he did this I don’t know.
He should have used the sand.

So I landed wheels up, still intact.
I salvaged all my wine.
I took a compass reading east
and headed on that line.

After a while I noticed what looked
like a very large bird on a broom.
I do not know what happened next,
but I heard a very loud boom!

 

Poo-Bird:

On date juice they were pickled

An alcohol-soaked pair

They turned the engine over and

Pronounced the weather 'fair'

 

With date juice in the fuel tank

Oil mixed with Bernie's wee

Trouble stared them in the face

They were too drunk to see-

 

As always help was close at hand

The 'bird' El Warren sighted

Was Witchy flying to the scene

To help- though uninvited

 

She spotted Warren on a rock

Zoomed down , "Hop on" she cried

We've got to save that drunken pair

They'll crash and they'll be fried 

 

So Warren leaped upon the broom

And gripping with his knees

Found zipping through the air was fun

Adapted with great ease

 

Witchy had a plan it seemed

"We'll fly just overhead

If you can fix a line to them

We'll tow the plane instead"

 

El Warren was a man of steel

(It made the broom quite heavy)

"Why yes" he said "I'll play my part

But first I need a bevy"  

 

Witchy agreed and there appeared

A schooner of fine whisky

El Warren made short work of it

(It also made him frisky)

 

True to his word he fixed a line

Tight to the ancient craft

While witchy zoomed and circled

Tow rope fixed fore and aft

 

"Well now they're safe they will not crash

The problem, I declare

Exactly what to do with them

We'll transport them, But where?"

 

On and on for many miles

This strange convoy did fly

Bern and Shelby fast asleep

Date juice the reason why

 

El Warren leaned far forward

Tapped Witchy on the shoulder

"Don't wish to complain Witchy but

It's getting much much colder"

 

Just then they came out from a cloud

The experience was nice

But when they looked all they could see

Below, was snow and ice

 

"Oh goodness gracious, dearie Me"

Witchy was heard to say

"I've taken a wrong turning and

We're flying the wrong way"

 

"Unfortunately we  must land

I'm running out of power

I need time to recuperate

I'd also like a shower"

 

They circled once then landed

The old plane landed too

Safely on an iceberg-

Meanwhile the drunken crew

 

Awoke and Bernie looked outside

"Hey Shelby, we've done swell

I think we have crash-landed

But I'm sure we're not in Hell"

 

Warren:

But then said Poo, "This will not do
These men will soon be frozen 
First knocking knees then as they freeze
They'll turn stiff while they're dozin'"

She still had service time to do
So touching up mascara
She crammed me in with those two drunks
And headed for Sahara.

Slid off the ice with plane in tow
And while we three were sleeping 
She dropped us on a desert dune
And went back to her sweeping.

 

Bernie:

Meanwhile back there in the desert

Things did take a turn

Warren joined the "daring duo"

I mean Shel and Bern

 

Got the plane up in the air

Fixed the radio

Tuned in an emergency

Place they had to go

 

There in Texas at his ranch

Bubba's on the spot

In the room that he had built

Doors he put in not

 

Locked inside, he can't get out

Thirst and panic loom

Lone Star beer, there's none in sight

Not in that new room.

 

Joyce did not know what to do

Beer still in the cooler

Bubba told her he had goofed

Didn't want to fool her.

 

"Tempus fidget" Shelby said

(marines like Latin words

Like Semper fi, a thing they say

For all you language nerds)

Bernie:

Witchy did her service time

Had to follow soon

Finished sweeping up the sand

Piled it in a dune

 

Shook whatever sand that's left

From her trusty broom

Saw the course the plane had took

Then after them did zoom...

 

Shelby:

We ran into Warren in the hot desert sand
We revved up the plane and then soared
Bern sat in my lap, Warren clung to the wing,
We can say that we didn’t get bored.

We landed in Texas right near Bubba’s house
We heard that he was in trouble
Into a corner he had nailed himself shut
Now isn’t that just like ole Bubba.

I went for my axe, took it out of the plane
then picked up some good Lone Star Beer,
knocked a big hole in the side of the wall.
Semper fi, Bubba, cheer up, we are here

Lou:

Bubba was glad to have that beer,
A mighty thirst he had,
But that big hole in the wall?
Well that just made him mad!

The least you coulda done there Shel
Was bring a proper saw,
Then you coulda measured out
A standard 3X7 foot door!

Bernie:

Old Bubba was cranky and not his sweet self

His dilemma had caused irritation

The fact that for hours he couldn't drink beer

He had suffered acute dehydration

 

His alcohol level was fully restored

But with Shelby he still was quite sore

He didn't approve the location Shel picked

It was not where he wanted the door

 

When we first had arrived he was locked there inside

So we thumped very hard on the wall

Bubba picked up his hammer and tapped out a code

In Morse code; he was too weak to call

 

Then we got us a drill with a very long bit

Drilled a hole at a 10 degree angle

Slipped a straw up the hole kept the bottom end out

Put it deep in a beer can to dangle.

 

They say if you're drinking your beer through a straw

You can get an immediate drunk

But our saving his life took exception to that

We discussed it and that's what we thunk.

Shelby:

Ole Bubba was a bit put out.
He seemed a little vexed
That big ole hole there in his wall
should not get him perplexed.

We cut the jagged edges off,
from plywood shaped a door.
A  bit uneven here and there,
but who could ask for more?

Ole Bubba thought he could, I guess,
so we gave him more beer.
In time his words were garbled,
so his gripes we could not hear.

But Bernie smashed his finger with
a hammer, and he swore
Some words that came forth from his mouth
I never heard before.

We eased his pain with Lone Star beer,
he passed out on the floor.
With Bern’s and Bubba’s mouths both shut,
we then had peace once more.

 

Bernie:

They weren't "cuss" words Shelby heard

On that he was mistaken

To think he heard vulgarity

Had made him somewhat shaken.

 

In truth they were a sort of prayer

That Bubba would be saved

Whoever thinks that I would curse

That person is depraved

 

The prayer was in an ancient tongue

That Shelby never heard

May lightning strike me dead right now

On that you have my word

 

My thumb is swollen pretty bad

Get Lou ! You know ! the nurse

She better bring some chicken soup

My thumb is getting worse

 

Bubba:

Some bunch of vandals ruint my wall
That I had built out here.
They beat it down with axe and maul
And force fed Lone Star beer.

I tried to stop 'em.  Swore and cussed.
I stumbled toward my pickup.
But then I tripped and lay in dust
And all they heard was "hiccup".

 

Shelby:

Ole Bubba don’t appreciate
what all we done fer him,
but after drinkin all that beer,
his think wuz fuzzy and dim.

Bernie heard his hiccup, and
he thought Bub wuz a chokin.
He turned ole Bubba on his back,
and then he started pokin.

He thought that he knew how to do
artificial respiration,
but Bubba spewed all over him,
and it wuzn’t perspiration.

Then Bernie said that “prayer” again--
the one in ancient tongue,
when he found Bubba didn’t have
congestion in his lung.


 

Shelby:

That no good, low down, Texas ingrate !

That's the thanks we get !

He'd still be holed up in that room

And trapped inside it yet !

 

We would have been much better off

If we just hadn't come

He could at least have give us thanks

For sure he owes us some.

 

Lou:

Instead of pouring cold beer
Down poor Bernie's throat,
It woulda been a better idea,
(Gentlemen please take note!)
To put some cold stuff on his thumb,
Ice cubes or a pack of frozen peas.
Too late! But Bern, advice...here's some:
Soak in warm water, then take some zzzzzs.


 

Bernie:

We couldn't find the frozen peas

Must find another way

We cooked them up with carrots, Lou

It must be yesterday.

Diz:

Because the frozen peas are gone

and all the cold beer too,

it looks as though our Bernie's thumb

will swell. Build an igloo.

Bernie:

Denise,.... an igloo is too hard

To build by this old geezer

So I decided what I'll do

Is sit inside the freezer.

 

If that won't bring the swelling down

I'll bang the other thumb

Then both my thumbs will look alike

A thought that isn't dumb.

Poo:

Inside a freezer do not sit

Your bum will get chilblains

I think that I can help you Bern

And ease away your pains

 

You say an icebox you can't build

Its something you can't do

I'm thrilled that I can help to

Put you in your own igloo

 

The chill will take the swelling down

As Lou so rightly said

We'll leave you there a little while

And try to keep you fed

 

These days my memory is poor

I find much to my cost

I'll do my best to recall where

I put you, else you're lost....

Shelby:

Hey Lou, you got your victims mixed.
You were right about Bernie’s thumb
It was self-inflicted by Bern, of course.
(and that was kind of dumb)

But it was ingrate Bubba, who
consumed almost a case
the reason, no doubt, for giving it back
right in ole Bernie’s face.

Bernie stuck his thumb into
some steamy fresh cow poo,
and as it turned out, that was just
the thing for him to do.

Diz, forget the igloo, cause
He will not need it now.
The thumb is back to normal with
the help of that nice cow.

 

Bernie:

It's true I do not suck my thumb

Although I pick my nose

And never, ever touch the stuff

That gathers twixt my toes

 

That old time cure that Shelby knew

He knew from Arkansas

I must admit it's new to me

Ain't heard that one before

 

I guess we're done with Bubba's room

Move on to better things

So we should find it pretty quick

Before fat lady sings.

 

We could go look in garbage cans

To see what we can find

The things that people toss in there

Enough to blow your mind.

 

I found a vacuum cleaner once

And promptly did repair

A piece of paper clogged the tube

And also doggy hair.

 

If something doesn't work for them

They put it out for trash

And everything that I can find

Will save me spending cash.

 

Now, don't go saying I am cheap !

As you might do in haste

It's that I'm happy fixing things

And can't abide the waste !



 

Lou:

The things he lets us know,
About his daily life
You'd think he wouldn't show,
Nor even tell his wife.

I've heard of dumpster diving,
That winoes do 'round here,
It's their way of surviving,
They say it's warmer in there.

But collecting another's trash?
To save a buck or two?
You must be low on cash,
That makes me feel so blue!

If I had some money Bern,
I'd send it right to you,
I have the deepest concern
And for your dear wife too.

 

Lou:

Somewhere it says  that "One man's trash

Can be another's treasure"

To rescue something tossed away

Can give you so much pleasure

 

That vacuum cleaner that I found

Some woman threw it out

She wanted one that is brand new

That's what it's all about

 

Americans are wasteful folks

It's sad but it is true

They'd rather throw the old thing out

In order to buy new

 

They think they're moving up that way

And put themselves in debt

Their credit card has hold of them

And deeper in they get.

 

The house I own is free and clear

With both of us debt free

So do not pity what I do

It works real well for me.