The Desert Fox
Note: Campfires along this path will lead back to camp where all the trails begin.
A fruit desert, Bernie offers,
The fruit desert Bern offers
So delicately put
He learned it from the Bedouins
It means- a coconut
It was some years ago now
When he was in the war
He got lost in the desert
His camel could go no more
Some traveling Bedouins found him
Filled him full of camel milk
And nutritious cactus tea
For years he wandered round with them
Became one of the tribe
Learned to horse- ride bareback
And with gun respond to jibe
He slept at night beneath the stars
Wrapped up inside his tent
His trusty camel by his side
That's how his days were spent
He tired of the camel soon
And longed for someone new
A caravan was passing by
He thought then what to do
They had for sale some female slaves
An English lass be bought
Her eyes were slinky like a fox
And tricks she could be taught
In bed she warmed his desert night
And made him veggie food
She tried composing poetry
But her attempts were crude.
It's true that in the desert
The choices, they are few
So Bernie like the male he is
Just did what he should do
So when that caravan passed by
He bought the English lass
He thought he'd cracked his problem but
Some strange things came to pass
He forced this slave to warm his bed
'Twas cold, the desert night
But when he tried to warm himself
He suffered quite a fright
Those merchant caravanners
Arabians, were bad
The English lass they sold to Bern
Turned out to be a lad
Of course the lad was willing
That's how he had been trained
But give ole Bernie credit
From this he sure refrained
The lad then sulked and in a rage
Said, 'You've no rhyme or meter
Stop trying to compose that stuff
For camel dung is sweeter'
Well, Bernie was dismayed alright
He really felt downhearted
He packed his things up in a bag
Took camel, and departed
He journeyed onward through the night
Then came to an oasis
With coconuts and figs galore
Bern thought "this is a basis
Requirement of all I need
Fresh water and good food"
So saying that, he settled down
And so lifted his mood
Oasis life was lonely
No woman there for me
In time it was too boring
Just talking to a tree
A Sultan and his harem
Just happened to stop by
He said he had a discard
I might give her a try
So what the Hell, I'm desperate
A "ship in any storm"
I took the discard he called "Poo"
To keep my blanket warm.
The oasis he
found, ole Bernie thought,
Bern looked around
the sea of sand
A word about that eunuch
The sultan called him "Bubba"
He wore a Roman tunic
His job, official scrubber
When harem women bathed
He stood by like a dope
With scrub brush in one hand
The other held the soap
Then suddenly there was a sound
A sputtering and pop
A failing engine of a plane
It soon came to a stop
A military plane out here ?
At once his mind it boggles
A leather helmet on his head
Complete with set of goggles
He said, "Ich spreche Englisch hier"
At first he thought he's German
But then he said,"I'm Shelby, pal,
So don't you call me Hermann !"
With not much there to fix that plane
They sat beneath the wing
Recalling how their anthem went
They both began to sing
They sang a couple
of bawdy tunes,
After singing one more song
They talked of what to do
Old Shelby's plane was out of fuel
(with him that's nothing new)
They said that they must improvise
With what they found right there
They'd have to fabricate some fuel
To get back in the air.
They picked a lot of fallen dates
And squeezed out all the juice
And looked around to find a can
Which they could put to use
They let the juice ferment a lot
(from which they drank a bit)
And turned the rest to alcohol
That's what they did with it
The engine started up real fine
The plane was in the air
And pilot Shelby set the course
The weather, it was fair......................
An Arab-looking rider came
Upon a great white steed
A robber from Arabia ?
That's something they don't need !
"Could that be Lawrence come to help ?
Or does this man look foreign ?"
It wasn't Lawrence after all
It happened to be Warren.
EL WARREN OF ARABIA is what the Arabs called him
They loved to see him prance and strut his stuff
He liked to play the hero but that war thing really galled him
He hoped that Rommel never called his bluff.
El Warren watched their plane lift off
But feared the "Desert Fox"
Still thinking it was Rommel he
Would hide among the rocks
But no one had informed the man
That this one was a "bird"
And that she was a witch to boot
It seems he hadn't heard.
Behind those rocks el Warren watched
The plane move out of sight
And then his focus shifted to
a bird in graceful flight
It circled high above him while
he looked on dreamily
Its motion lulled him fast asleep
Or so he seemed to be
A rustling on a nearby rock
awoke him from his slumber
to see a gorgeous femme fatale
just sweeping up some umber.
Now where she came from who can say?
She sure could use that broom
He never did suspect that day
he may have met his doom.
"Just why ?" he asks, "...she's sweeping here
This barren desert land?"
It's going on for hours now
He doesn't understand.
He doesn't know she broke the law
And that would make him nervous
The sentence that the judge decreed
A week community service.
I had no sooner
On date juice they were pickled
An alcohol-soaked pair
They turned the engine over and
Pronounced the weather 'fair'
With date juice in the fuel tank
Oil mixed with Bernie's wee
Trouble stared them in the face
They were too drunk to see-
As always help was close at hand
The 'bird' El Warren sighted
Was Witchy flying to the scene
To help- though uninvited
She spotted Warren on a rock
Zoomed down , "Hop on" she cried
We've got to save that drunken pair
They'll crash and they'll be fried
So Warren leaped upon the broom
And gripping with his knees
Found zipping through the air was fun
Adapted with great ease
Witchy had a plan it seemed
"We'll fly just overhead
If you can fix a line to them
We'll tow the plane instead"
El Warren was a man of steel
(It made the broom quite heavy)
"Why yes" he said "I'll play my part
But first I need a bevy"
Witchy agreed and there appeared
A schooner of fine whisky
El Warren made short work of it
(It also made him frisky)
True to his word he fixed a line
Tight to the ancient craft
While witchy zoomed and circled
Tow rope fixed fore and aft
"Well now they're safe they will not crash
The problem, I declare
Exactly what to do with them
We'll transport them, But where?"
On and on for many miles
This strange convoy did fly
Bern and Shelby fast asleep
Date juice the reason why
El Warren leaned far forward
Tapped Witchy on the shoulder
"Don't wish to complain Witchy but
It's getting much much colder"
Just then they came out from a cloud
The experience was nice
But when they looked all they could see
Below, was snow and ice
"Oh goodness gracious, dearie Me"
Witchy was heard to say
"I've taken a wrong turning and
We're flying the wrong way"
"Unfortunately we must land
I'm running out of power
I need time to recuperate
I'd also like a shower"
They circled once then landed
The old plane landed too
Safely on an iceberg-
Meanwhile the drunken crew
Awoke and Bernie looked outside
"Hey Shelby, we've done swell
I think we have crash-landed
But I'm sure we're not in Hell"
But then said Poo,
"This will not do
She still had service time to do
Slid off the ice with plane in tow
Meanwhile back there in the desert
Things did take a turn
Warren joined the "daring duo"
I mean Shel and Bern
Got the plane up in the air
Fixed the radio
Tuned in an emergency
Place they had to go
There in Texas at his ranch
Bubba's on the spot
In the room that he had built
Doors he put in not
Locked inside, he can't get out
Thirst and panic loom
Lone Star beer, there's none in sight
Not in that new room.
Joyce did not know what to do
Beer still in the cooler
Bubba told her he had goofed
Didn't want to fool her.
"Tempus fidget" Shelby said
(marines like Latin words
Like Semper fi, a thing they say
For all you language nerds)
Witchy did her service time
Had to follow soon
Finished sweeping up the sand
Piled it in a dune
Shook whatever sand that's left
From her trusty broom
Saw the course the plane had took
Then after them did zoom...
We ran into Warren
in the hot desert sand
Bubba was glad to
have that beer,
Old Bubba was cranky and not his sweet self
His dilemma had caused irritation
The fact that for hours he couldn't drink beer
He had suffered acute dehydration
His alcohol level was fully restored
But with Shelby he still was quite sore
He didn't approve the location Shel picked
It was not where he wanted the door
When we first had arrived he was locked there inside
So we thumped very hard on the wall
Bubba picked up his hammer and tapped out a code
In Morse code; he was too weak to call
Then we got us a drill with a very long bit
Drilled a hole at a 10 degree angle
Slipped a straw up the hole kept the bottom end out
Put it deep in a beer can to dangle.
They say if you're drinking your beer through a straw
You can get an immediate drunk
But our saving his life took exception to that
We discussed it and that's what we thunk.
Ole Bubba was a
bit put out.
They weren't "cuss" words Shelby heard
On that he was mistaken
To think he heard vulgarity
Had made him somewhat shaken.
In truth they were a sort of prayer
That Bubba would be saved
Whoever thinks that I would curse
That person is depraved
The prayer was in an ancient tongue
That Shelby never heard
May lightning strike me dead right now
On that you have my word
My thumb is swollen pretty bad
Get Lou ! You know ! the nurse
She better bring some chicken soup
My thumb is getting worse
Some bunch of
vandals ruint my wall
Ole Bubba don’t
That no good, low down, Texas ingrate !
That's the thanks we get !
He'd still be holed up in that room
And trapped inside it yet !
We would have been much better off
If we just hadn't come
He could at least have give us thanks
For sure he owes us some.
Instead of pouring
We couldn't find the frozen peas
Must find another way
We cooked them up with carrots, Lou
It must be yesterday.
Because the frozen peas are gone
and all the cold beer too,
it looks as though our Bernie's thumb
will swell. Build an igloo.
Denise,.... an igloo is too hard
To build by this old geezer
So I decided what I'll do
Is sit inside the freezer.
If that won't bring the swelling down
I'll bang the other thumb
Then both my thumbs will look alike
A thought that isn't dumb.
Inside a freezer do not sit
Your bum will get chilblains
I think that I can help you Bern
And ease away your pains
You say an icebox you can't build
Its something you can't do
I'm thrilled that I can help to
Put you in your own igloo
The chill will take the swelling down
As Lou so rightly said
We'll leave you there a little while
And try to keep you fed
These days my memory is poor
I find much to my cost
I'll do my best to recall where
I put you, else you're lost....
Hey Lou, you got
your victims mixed.
It's true I do not suck my thumb
Although I pick my nose
And never, ever touch the stuff
That gathers twixt my toes
That old time cure that Shelby knew
He knew from Arkansas
I must admit it's new to me
Ain't heard that one before
I guess we're done with Bubba's room
Move on to better things
So we should find it pretty quick
Before fat lady sings.
We could go look in garbage cans
To see what we can find
The things that people toss in there
Enough to blow your mind.
I found a vacuum cleaner once
And promptly did repair
A piece of paper clogged the tube
And also doggy hair.
If something doesn't work for them
They put it out for trash
And everything that I can find
Will save me spending cash.
Now, don't go saying I am cheap !
As you might do in haste
It's that I'm happy fixing things
And can't abide the waste !
The things he lets
Somewhere it says that "One man's trash
Can be another's treasure"
To rescue something tossed away
Can give you so much pleasure
That vacuum cleaner that I found
Some woman threw it out
She wanted one that is brand new
That's what it's all about
Americans are wasteful folks
It's sad but it is true
They'd rather throw the old thing out
In order to buy new
They think they're moving up that way
And put themselves in debt
Their credit card has hold of them
And deeper in they get.
The house I own is free and clear
With both of us debt free
So do not pity what I do
It works real well for me.